Return of the blog

Better than the return of the Jedi . More keenly anticipated than the return of Spring. More viewers than The Return of the King. A bigger cult than The Return of the Living Dead- the return of the blog.

1. Unite finally found a way to ground British Airways. The strikes failed, the discussions failed so finally they enlisted the help of Iceland who provided a volcano in support of their union brothers. Still won't save the jobs of the grossly overpaid cabin staff or their free trips as the airline slowly implodes.

The coldest winter in years, earthquakes, volcanos, a general election. Have we pissed someone off?

2. The price of fish. Losing all sense in Portugal - Unusually I was recently on holiday in Portugal and once again lost all sense under the influence of drink and the holiday mood. Restaurant owners see you coming. Going to a restaurant recommended by the hotel we opted for "the catch of the day". I thought it refered to the fish but actually it meant us. Failing to ask the price per kilo as printed on the menu we were easily tempted by the whole fish held under our nose. We were pleased with our view of the sea etc but not however by the bill which was 55 euros for the 2 of us (that's just the fish by the way). A litre of wine has a lot to answer for.

3. I've always liked ....... The Police. - No not the group. The boys in blue. I have such happy memories of them. The one in Essex complete with helmet and dark glasses- thought he was working for CHIPS - upset because I accidentally cut him up. The one on the motorway who stopped me and didn't say "Evening Sir" but did open with "It's stupid bastards like you who get people killed". And he was the one standing in the p*****g rain! The one on the horse at the match screaming at people "get out of the f*****g way" while the horse dropped steaming piles everywhere. Such lovely well adjusted people. And I am from a family with several police in it. I don't see them much though strangely. But recently I was fortunate to meet a decent human being in a police uniform. This also was a prime example of the recent reports that the speed cameras are a failed method of traffic control. Another of my favourite subjects. Breeding zombies too bothered to concentrate on the road but alternating speeds as they look for cameras was never going improve driving. Swindon and Durham are already taking them out and accidents have not increased. Instead they have called for a return to policeman on the roads dealing with incidents. Er, just like it used to be. Where they can use their common sense. Driving to Whitby I made a mess of a turn off the M62, stopped and reversed then drove over the camber onto the next slip road. Just to really **** it up I realised I was on the hard shoulder and had to stop at the lights. What was I next to? Yes a police 4x4 with a big fat Yorkshire bobby inside. ****! Anyway he waived me in when the lights changed and I was just saying how nice of him when all the lights came on as he chased me down the road and pulled me over. Knowing from past experience how grumpy they can be I got out and walked to him to save him having to squeeze his 20 stone out of the bucket seat. He asked me to get in the cab in the passenger seat - well told me actually. I feared the worse - he had a big red face like Harvey Smith and a voice like Geoffrey Boycott. He was ready for a fight. Well more like a beating. And me, a bit of a tan from Portugal, a pink summer shirt on, from Lancashire, in a BMW. I could read his mind - who the **** is this clever ****?
He opened with "Put wood i'th'oil. Do tha' know owt about owt driving on the motorway"? Nope I didn't know the answer either. "Were tha' flumexed by the signs?" I said it was a complicated junction and he said "Not if tha' read the signs - there's nowt to it, What dus't a reckon?". I came clean and said I just messed up. He broke into a smile - he just wanted to hear someone from Lancashire say they were an idiot I think. He said he should charge me but this time he'd just give me a warning. "Sithe the signs next time and 'appen you'll get it reet cos you're batting on a sticky wicket driving like that. Now **** off and don't forget to put wood i'th'oil on the way out". I said thanks and said he was "a reight gud soart" - he blushed and I left feeling good that common sense had prevailed.

Translation of the conversation - As I was invited into his car - " Now close the door please. Are you an experienced motorway driver? Did you find the signs confusing?( I said it was a complicated junction) It's really quite simple if you read the signs properly don't you agree? Look at the signs next time and you'll be alright because you'll get in trouble otherwise driving like that. Anyway cheerio and please close the door on the way out." I said he was a decent bloke(for a yorkshireman).

A bit of fun - The most popular parody on Youtube is the film Downfall about the last days of Adolf Hitler. So many examples and below is just one for all lovers of Greggs. PS After the video clip there are more examples shown on the video line but I accept no responsibility if you look at them!