Life

Pre Xmas edition

2010-11-29T15:38:00.028Z

Thinking of what to get me for Xmas? Click below for a little hint

Topics in this edition:-
(1) The Royal Wedding
(2) Something worth Saving
(3) Xmas markets
(4) Joke corner
(5) Republic news
(6) What happened to?
(7) The Video Bar - Xmas hint

The Royal Wedding - Possibly the most over hyped and most boring news item to dominate some of the newspapers and all of the BBC for a long time. As a member of the Republic movement you would guess my view on this. The BBC had so many complaints about the amount of coverage while so much else was going on that it organised a forum online after the announcement(no really they did!) My favourite was "Presumably since we're all having to tighten our belts during this time of financial hardship the wedding itself will be a little register office affair with just immediate family present and the bride's family picking up the bill". I also laughed at The Bishop of Willesden who said "We need a party in Calais for all good republicans who can't stand the nauseating tosh that surrounds this event," he wrote of the wedding day. Unfortunately he had to retract this pretty quickly when he realised The Queen is his ultimate boss. Proving my belief that 2 of my favourite organisations - The Royal Family and the Church consist of total idiots. The third is Catholics but that will keep. But one point worth considering is the fallacy that they are popular with tourists so bring in revenue that way. No part of the royal family stuff appears in the top ten of tourists attractions in The UK. Windsor castle comes in at about 17, ten places below Windsor Legoland. I rest my case. You can't even get in Buckingham Palace so what is the point of all the paintings and treasures nicked over the centuries hidden away there? Move the scroungers out and let the tourists in and that will make money for the UK.

Something worth saving -A recent survey showed only 2000 Bengal tigers remain in the wild and there is a real chance they could be extinct in a short time. And they are the most highly populated of the various types. Being wiped out by human hunting and habitat erosion. How many rats are out there or boring grey squirrels? Use their penises crushed to powder as an aphrodisiac as there are millions of them.! Could we really let this beautiful creature become extinct and still have to look at what The Royal Family, The Church and Catholicism have to offer from the ugly tree.? Which would you rather see become extinct? So contribute to wwf.org.uk/Tiger, join the republic organisation, become an atheist and wipe out rats and grey squirrels we can make the world a better place.

Xmas marketsA recent report commissioned by Manchester Markets revealed that in 2009 a staggering 1.3 million visited the Christmas markets with the overall economic impact of the Christmas markets on the city totalling £49.9 million. And this year is apparently increased from last year. I guess with 1.3 million visiting the markets there will be a lot of money made. And it explains why it is so busy with people obviously in from the surrounding hill towns struggling with how traffic lights work and how to cross a road - instead they walk out choking on a Bratwurst when the red man is showing and I am just coming round the corner in the car. Would it be manslaughter or euphanasia? Still it is a stonking amount of money and explains why a beer and a sausage is £10 and a wedge of cheese is £5 even if it is made in the hills of France.

Joke corner - A teacher in Liverpool revealed to her class that she was a Liverpool football fan. "Put your hand up if you support Liverpool too" she asked excitedly. All the class except one little girl raised their hand. Surprised she asked her "Oh who do you support then Coleen?" "Manchester United" she said. Annoyed the teacher asked "And why is that then?" "Because me ma and pa support dem too" she said. The teacher said "you don't have to be the same as your parents all the time. It's ok to be something different. What would you be if your mum was a prostitute and your dad a drug dealer" she said. "A Liverpool fan " Coleen said.

Republic news - Until January 1st Republic membership is just £3 - and don't forget you can also buy an "I'm not a royal wedding mug" mug for just £3.49! Republic will be arranging an alternative wedding to publicise for THAT day. Only with real human beings. Would be great if they could find a couple called Royal getting married on the same day. Just think of the publicity and souvenirs. Even better if it was in Barbados - I'd go!

What happened to? - Swine flu. We're all still here. See my blog 04/09.

Breaking News ! - England World Cup bid fails as the deciding committee are seduced by the Russian bid team's presentation. Time for England to grow up. If you are going to bid then do it to win. Yes the process is obviously corrupt and Russia have many years of practice at putting people in their debt. So play the game. Sending some twerp royal and the pm will not impress delegates from countries which are mainly republics. I'm sure Russia tuned in to what the delegates were turned on by in a more practical way. Having the best technical bid was probably trumped by having the more attractive and rewarding bid. Just listened to interview with that twerp royal but fell asleep after 4 words. Oh no now Geof Thompson on - mogadon man. Just seen clip of the russian team celebrating and looks like a fashion event. On no now Boris Johnson moaning. England got two votes and one of those was our delegate! The other was Mr Magoo. FIFA don't like too much press and media attention so step forward Russia and Qatar - no problem there the. Qatar? Too much, I really hope Scotland qualify(unlikely I know). Qatar population 900,000. There were more at the Xmas market on Saturday
PS Having seen the BBC Web site news of England's lamentable failure I was provked to post a comment on their 606 service. In it I refered to some twerp royal and my comment was removed by the moderator for being defamatory! And I thought the BBC was independent. A sad day for democracy and free speech.
Now Putin is on the news - just flown in for the party. His english is quite good but the accent is strong. Was shocked when he said he was from Leningrad and during the war Leningrad was bummed every night! Slight correction from the interpretor - bombed not bummed! Phew that's better.
Video bar - click on the videos below for ideas on Xmas presents for anyone you might still not know what to buy for!
http://www.unesco.org.uk/Vacancies

Politics and the World cup

2010-06-09T12:56:00.026+01:00

Election review - Well thank god that is all over and for those who always wanted to see the back of Gordon Brown(and more) see the clip below from one of my favourites Alison Jackson

Mind you it did leave us with these 2 who seem to be getting on famously:-

But enough of that for 5 years.
__________________________________________________________

World Cup time - Just days now from the start of the world cup. Already I am sick of the analysis, previews, reviews, old video and boring old players wheeled out. They kill it before the event starts leading to an inevitable anti-climax. So for the football fans here are 10 interesting facts-

* Most appearances: Brazil – all 18
* Most wins: Brazil – 5
* Most winners-up: Germany – 4
* Most final appearances: Brazil and Germany - 7 each
* Most winners' medals: Pelé Brazil – 3
* Most goals scored: Ronaldo (Brazil 1998 – 2006) 15
* Most goals in a tournament: Just Fontaine 13 (France, 1958)
* Most goals in a match: Oleg Slanko (Russia vs Cameroon, 1994) - 5
* Most wins as a coach: Vittorio Pozzo (Italy 1934 and 1938) – 2
* Highest attended match 199 854 Uruguay vs Brazil, 16 July 1950 Maracana Stadium.

You may notice England gets no mention in there at all.
_________________________________________________________________

To help your enjoyment here are some other interesting facts or places to get things to enhance your viewing pleasure-

http://www.storedepot.co.uk. Here you can get 10ft high blow up doll supporters. Who on earth are buying these? And do they live near you.

Fattest world cup footballer - According to the Sun this was Brazilian Ronaldo although Thomas Brolin pushed him all the way.

Sex during the world cup(players) -
Argentina version - "The players can have sex with their wives and girlfriends during the World Cup. Players are not Martians. But it should not be at 2 a.m. with champagne and Havana cigars.”
—Dr. Donato Vallani, Argentina’s team doctor, The Associated Press, May 27, 2010"

English version - The players can have sex with their own or team mate's wives and girlfriends during the World Cup. Players are only human. But it should not be at 2 a.m. with lager and drugs bought from my dad.”
—John Terry The Daily Sport April 1st, 2010"

Sex during the world cup(viewers) - yeah right!

Sexiest Football fans - Brazil take some beating but in my research which was a tough job I admit I came across a site which said Liverpool fans! Somebody needs to get out more and go back and see it asked "sexiest" not "ugliest."

Election Special

2010-05-04T15:46:00.016+01:00

With the general election imminent it was time to consider how to vote. It's difficult to decide what to do. Changes to the election process have to happen. Was it ever supposed to be choose from these 2 every time? I don't think so. So I searched for things that might influence me. A couple of things caught my eye -

Conservatives :-

Samantha Cameron is descended from Nell Gwynne apparently! A Prime Minister who is married to the descendent of a tart. Now that is progress. Nell was born in the street of course and her mother ran a brothel in Covent Garden. Having been there this Sunday I can tell you it isn't there now. She was Charles II tart( one of many). How the monarchy has changed. Or has it? Charles did have a bit of Italian in him of course. That could explain it. I've no idea if Samantha Cameron has ever had a bit of Italian in her.Could it be true? That might sway me:-

And then I came across this:-

Being made to cringe or want to vomit is not a great way to get people to support a party. And no I decided I didn't want a "Cameron injection" like the girls did.

Liberal Democrats maybe.
Nick Clegg the new guy on the up maybe? His wife is Miriam Gonzalez Durantez. His children are Antonio, Alberto and Miguel. Yes you've guessed she is not an English girl. That will stir them up in Surrey. Clegg is multilingual; he speaks English, Dutch, French, German, and Spanish.His wife is a partner in an International Law firm. She is also a Catholic and said if she had not been a lawyer she would have liked a missionary position. Clegg said he could help with that. She also said she gave him 8 out of ten for his Spanish. Probably talking about his linguistic ability but who knows? Cleggie has said he has had 30 lovers. All pretty exotic for a British PM so I thought Yes, maybe.

And then I came across this:-

Oh my God we will need a bigger bucket. "You like 2 types of biscuit. Yeah Cleggie with you we'll risk it". Maybe not then.

Labour maybe then?

Gordon Brown is Scottish. He is a grim sort of guy. He has the charisma of a smoked haddock. He has a one eyed view of the world. He is Scottish. He does that irritating thing with his mouth. He is Scottish. All in all this is not a good start! He speaks one language - Scottish. His wife Sarah seems a nice sort. Born in what Gordon Brown calls "Middle England" , Buckinghamshire. Her mother was a school teacher who married a ........ Scotsman. So Sarah has definately got some Scot in her. She runs a PR agency. Don't they talk? What are the chances of an Englishman being elected head of the Scottish parliament. Tony Blair was educated in Scotland but dropped his accent as quick as Nell Gwynne dropped her ...oranges. So I thought no, maybe time to give an Englishman a chance.

And then I came across this:-

ELECTION SONG CONTEST// Gordon "Da Boss" Brown: Money on the Man at Number 10 / Sweet F Allstars
- Watch more Funny Videos at Vodpod.

The other 2 were dreadful in their cringeworthy way but this is just, well boring and I think this says it all.

I know personality isn't the main thing but I think maybe we need a bit of colour in our politics. Unfortunately I don't like any them really. A bit of colour? Where is that Green party manifesto.

Good luck voting

Return of the blog

2010-04-15T20:59:00.020+01:00

Better than the return of the Jedi . More keenly anticipated than the return of Spring. More viewers than The Return of the King. A bigger cult than The Return of the Living Dead- the return of the blog.

1. Unite finally found a way to ground British Airways. The strikes failed, the discussions failed so finally they enlisted the help of Iceland who provided a volcano in support of their union brothers. Still won't save the jobs of the grossly overpaid cabin staff or their free trips as the airline slowly implodes.

The coldest winter in years, earthquakes, volcanos, a general election. Have we pissed someone off?

2. The price of fish. Losing all sense in Portugal - Unusually I was recently on holiday in Portugal and once again lost all sense under the influence of drink and the holiday mood. Restaurant owners see you coming. Going to a restaurant recommended by the hotel we opted for "the catch of the day". I thought it refered to the fish but actually it meant us. Failing to ask the price per kilo as printed on the menu we were easily tempted by the whole fish held under our nose. We were pleased with our view of the sea etc but not however by the bill which was 55 euros for the 2 of us (that's just the fish by the way). A litre of wine has a lot to answer for.

3. I've always liked ....... The Police. - No not the group. The boys in blue. I have such happy memories of them. The one in Essex complete with helmet and dark glasses- thought he was working for CHIPS - upset because I accidentally cut him up. The one on the motorway who stopped me and didn't say "Evening Sir" but did open with "It's stupid bastards like you who get people killed". And he was the one standing in the p*****g rain! The one on the horse at the match screaming at people "get out of the f*****g way" while the horse dropped steaming piles everywhere. Such lovely well adjusted people. And I am from a family with several police in it. I don't see them much though strangely. But recently I was fortunate to meet a decent human being in a police uniform. This also was a prime example of the recent reports that the speed cameras are a failed method of traffic control. Another of my favourite subjects. Breeding zombies too bothered to concentrate on the road but alternating speeds as they look for cameras was never going improve driving. Swindon and Durham are already taking them out and accidents have not increased. Instead they have called for a return to policeman on the roads dealing with incidents. Er, just like it used to be. Where they can use their common sense. Driving to Whitby I made a mess of a turn off the M62, stopped and reversed then drove over the camber onto the next slip road. Just to really **** it up I realised I was on the hard shoulder and had to stop at the lights. What was I next to? Yes a police 4x4 with a big fat Yorkshire bobby inside. ****! Anyway he waived me in when the lights changed and I was just saying how nice of him when all the lights came on as he chased me down the road and pulled me over. Knowing from past experience how grumpy they can be I got out and walked to him to save him having to squeeze his 20 stone out of the bucket seat. He asked me to get in the cab in the passenger seat - well told me actually. I feared the worse - he had a big red face like Harvey Smith and a voice like Geoffrey Boycott. He was ready for a fight. Well more like a beating. And me, a bit of a tan from Portugal, a pink summer shirt on, from Lancashire, in a BMW. I could read his mind - who the **** is this clever ****?
He opened with "Put wood i'th'oil. Do tha' know owt about owt driving on the motorway"? Nope I didn't know the answer either. "Were tha' flumexed by the signs?" I said it was a complicated junction and he said "Not if tha' read the signs - there's nowt to it, What dus't a reckon?". I came clean and said I just messed up. He broke into a smile - he just wanted to hear someone from Lancashire say they were an idiot I think. He said he should charge me but this time he'd just give me a warning. "Sithe the signs next time and 'appen you'll get it reet cos you're batting on a sticky wicket driving like that. Now **** off and don't forget to put wood i'th'oil on the way out". I said thanks and said he was "a reight gud soart" - he blushed and I left feeling good that common sense had prevailed.

Translation of the conversation - As I was invited into his car - " Now close the door please. Are you an experienced motorway driver? Did you find the signs confusing?( I said it was a complicated junction) It's really quite simple if you read the signs properly don't you agree? Look at the signs next time and you'll be alright because you'll get in trouble otherwise driving like that. Anyway cheerio and please close the door on the way out." I said he was a decent bloke(for a yorkshireman).

A bit of fun - The most popular parody on Youtube is the film Downfall about the last days of Adolf Hitler. So many examples and below is just one for all lovers of Greggs. PS After the video clip there are more examples shown on the video line but I accept no responsibility if you look at them!

60 days Later

2009-07-02T13:42:00.009+01:00

It is 60 days (or so) since my last blog at the beginning of the swine flu pandemic on the cusp of wiping mankind out. Fortunately I am one of the few to survive as I write this from the safety of my deserted nuclear fall out shelter to the few dozen remaining out there(oh and the entire British Cabinet and The English Royal Family safely sat in a total exclusion zone in Barbados drinking Rum punch and waiting for the Catamaran ride complete with as much free drink as you can handle and canapes and ganga). - Oh and my three children 1) Taking a break in a love hotel in Seoul, 2) Living it large in the USA and telling the world via Facebook that at last he had had some sex out there, nice 3) Breaking the record for watching Wimbledon. Nice well brought up boys/men. Oh and Jake the dog getting his rest in for 14 hours a day. Outside is a waste land T S Eliot would have been proud of. Not really. We are all still here and the English Season in all its ludicrous excess is in full swing ................

2) Jacko- But first I couldn't not mention the passing of Michael Jackson. Sad of course to see the end of a great performer . Singer of 13 number one singles, seller of 750 million records world wide. A man of great talents - he could sing, he could dance, he could dangle a baby off a 5th story hotel balcony while thoughtfully putting a tea towel over its head to protect against pollution. God you could hear how much the kid was enjoying it(and from the baby's screams I think it was too). He was known as the undisputed "king of pop". And if you do want to dispute it some of his "brothers" since his conversion to Islam will pay you a visit. Sorry Bro I know I should call him Mikaeel. He converted to Muslim and said he would wear muslim dress - well I haven't seem many muslims in red leather jackets and tight leather trousers doing the moon walk and constantly grabbing their crotch. Thank God, or Allah maybe. He was also of course a black icon - well once he was, then he was sort of a brown icon, and more recently a sort of, well almost white icon. Dulux are to bring out a new Jacko paint range - really! Black, brown, Very Light brown and Almost White. Some people have labelled him a genius and compared his music to Mozart and say his music will still be played in hundreds of years. Please - get real. The hysteria is scary - especially in the USA. But I also heard a guy in the UK being interviewed who said he was giving it all up to go and view his body and was going to move to California to show his devotion to him daily. Nothing to do with the fact he lived in Middlesborough and liked the sun. He did of course famously live in a home called Neverland and was "good with kids". There are many rumours and jokes around so I won't be drawn into that - but in the interest of balance apparently the favourite top ten jokes in the USA from the web include:-

Number 1 - what is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
Answer - one is made out of plastic and dangerous for kids to play with, and the other you carry your groceries in.

So hopefully he will be remembered for his music(or some of it) and not as Wacko Jacko, space pilot, baby dangler, "good with kids", plastic man, Dulux paint range, best friend of Bubbles the chimp or even worse in time. He will won't he?

The English "season" 1 - Glastonbury - It seems in recent years Glastonbury has become just another event in "the season" along with Wimbledon, Ascot, Henly, The Chelsea flower show, and many more. Once it was a music festival where for a few days mainly young people went and behaved like animals for a few days away from all the usual restraints life imposes on you. Now it is just another event on the circuit for suburbanites to go. On the weekend before it started The Sunday Times Style Magazine did a feature called "What to wear at Glastonbury". Later in the week some DJ from Radio 1 who was covering it for the BBC WAS pictured wearing Jimmy Choo wellies as she strolled around the site in her designer bohemian look from some boutique in Notting Hill no doubt. My heart sank. And there were so many kids there in very smart family tents. It was more like a camp site in the south of france. What is the point of going now if you have to watch your language so as not to offend the ruperts, hide your drugs and not be too loud in case you wake little Peaches up? And young people in their early twenties who sit around waving their arms in unison to Tom Jones and thought Spinal Tap were wild rockers. "Hey Rupert I have to sit on your shoulders and wave my arms like this with every one else to that fat sweaty welsh bloke" - You couldn't make it up.

The English season 2 - Wimbledon - Once it was an annual sporting event in the English Summer which could be reasonably exciting. Now it is little more than excruciatingly pretentious and precious. Where do they find the commentators from and do they bring their carers with them.? No one talks like that any more do they? Plums in their mouths More like their *****(fill in your own suggestions here - it will be more exciting than the women's competition). Somebody perpetrated a bigger fraud than Madoff when they agreed to pay the women equal prize money. Still it's nothing to do with tennis is it. It's a day out for Surrey's finest in matching Fedoras or t-shirts with "Come on Timmy" on it even though he hasn't played for a couple of years. Who cares? They like the name"Timmy". And they find that Andy Murray a bit of a surly so and so. And his mum looks like she still remembers Culloden or is entering a gurning competition. And when either are interviewed you lose the will to live. Shall we call it Henman Hill then or Murray Mount? My suggestion - Peasants Point because it's where they put the plebs who aren't either on a corporate piss up or are just being seen as players in "the season" - you know people who probably play tennis. And the most cringe worthy tradition of all. Having the world's greatest athletes(ok not in the women's game - just eye candy although that doesn't include Martina Navratilova) having to kneel to the Royal Box. Outrageous in this day and age - and you wonder why the English are disliked in so many places- not as bad as the americans I agree. And what on earth is that Roger Federer wearing by the way? I thought it was Bruno with that jacket and accent

Finally go down to the Video bar for some amusing video clips relating to Jacko

Don't Google Sick Pig

2009-04-28T18:14:00.012+01:00

Once again we are all doomed as a pandemic originating from a pig is going to wipe us all out apparently within days. First there was SARS - estimated deaths 75000, actual a few hundred and then there was Bird Flu - again estimated deaths hundreds of thousands, actual a few hundred. And then there was .............. and so on. Blimey ordinary flu kills more than this. Then there is the pandemic Driving and the other one Smoking. Oh and Flying. And finally the big one, life. Virtually anything which requires leaving the home. As I write there are 5, yes as many as that, confirmed cases in the UK. The response? The NHS has ordered 35million face masks. And yet it took 6 months to look at my damaged shoulder. We live in a state of fear. Yes in Mexico 159 have died as I write I agree and they are taking tough measures. Apparently all restaurants are only doing take aways. That will stop it. Also one report I saw quoted someone who had ordered the N95 mask - "just to be prepared" because they lived in a Metropolitan area. Maybe you should get body armour as well then. And spare underwear. Or save it for the Venitian festival. In Egypt they have slaughtered 300,000 pigs to be safe as they have, er , no confirmed cases. Reuters news agency usually so useful are quoted as reporting "People have been cancelling beautician appointments wary of close physical contact. The customers are scared stupid they don't want to go out said hairdresser Miss Piggy" No sorry it was Esther Gonzalez. That will do it. Hysteria rules. Still it takes everones mind off .......
The Financial crisis, the rise in unemployment, Police bullies beating up women and bystanders at the G20 summit, MPs fiddling their expenses quite openly and with no shame(ok maybe let's forget that one), the 700 more troops going to Afghanistan. And the terrible news that Iggy Pops advert has been ruled as misleading - surely not everyone thought he was sincere. Enough of that now as I suddenly have a sore throat, running nose, and an aversion to bacon.

As a footnote to the above however I must caution against anyone Googling "Sick Pig" as I did. Why? I was looking for a photo of a sick pig of course to go with this paragraph. Don't do it. I never knew there were sites like that out there. "Sick Pig Apparel and Accessories" was pretty strange. Why would anyone walk round with Baseball Cap with Sick Pig written on it I wondered? Definitely don't look at the "Buy me another drink T-Shirt." Don't do it. And I didn't know Britney Spears husband was a sick pig either. But apparently he is! So don't do it! However if you need to know what signs to look for to tell you if your pig is sick this is the place ( a useful hint for one person out there- you know who you are). You know rolling round in ****, foaming at the mouth, incontinence, constantly oinking - er how is that different to normal? Oh and there are an amazing number of different pigs, much more than squirrels. The one in the picture is "A Sick Pig". The one in my mouth is bacon.

June 2nd is Republic day

Recently while taking a break I had to read the Daily Mail - it was the only paper around. Whilst noticing a crucial article on whether Prince Edward's hair was thinning I was reminded that June 2nd is Republic day. A day of campaigns and events. I need to think of something to do on that day. You know a street party, or parading the street with effigies of the Windsors(really I only joke), getting Spitting Images puppets in St Anns Square or something. Or signing up new members. So if you have any ideas please let me know. Oh and "Cutting your ******* head off" has already gone. Don't forget now make a note in your diaries.

Finally see the Video bar below and try some of my favourite pig music and video

Spring's nearly here

2009-03-11T16:09:00.011Z

Spring is nearly here as I noticed when I was out watching the dog flatten the Crocus in the park I take him walking in. I can't say what else he did in the Crocus.
So Spring is time for new ideas and initiatives and there are many needed in my world. I'm so attached to my overcoat now I don't want to give it up.

The Politics - I have recently joined the Republic Organisation. After many years thinking the Constitutional Monarchy in the UK is ludicrous I finally decided to join with like minded people and offer some support to what they are trying to achieve. Now before anyone starts thinking it is a group of nutters who want to put people against the wall and shoot them, or indeed that I am a nutter, the sort of people already members are playwrites like Mike Leigh(Vera Drake, Secrets and Lies), Paul Greengrass(Bourne Ultimatum, United 903), and authors like Will Self and Julie Burchill. OK there are a few members less illustrious like Stan Collymore, and surprise Tony Benn and Glenda Jackson, but also civil rights lawyers and politicians and ordinary folk like me. To quote one example of it's aims:-

"Britain still retains a political culture centred on "Her Majesty's Government" - not ours, but hers, a powerful reminder in days gone by of where our place was in the system. The idea of royal "ownership" continues to pervade this culture and to reinforce the idea that the system is not our own. We should have the right to elect and hold to account all who hold public office and such people must remember that they are there to serve us, and not vice versa." I agree. I hope you loyalists will still talk to me!

The Bonus - today I received a letter from The Tax and Revenue service saying I had overpaid tax and I was owed £100! As you know I am a great believer in paying as much tax as possible so I was going to say "It's OK keep it" - use it to help rescue those bankers" or criminals as they are known to everyone else. They asked how I would like to be reimbursed so I said with money. Civil servants aren't known for their sense of humour so it didn't go down well. So I said that as it was such an unusual thing to pay me money rather than try to rip you off with as much as possible could I have it as a £100 note which I would frame until a time arose when I might need to use it. So at last this gave the functionary at the other end some pleasure as they told me there is no such note as a £100 note in England followed by a little snigger. In fact this isn't quite true as you can get a scottish £100.00 note (rarer than rocking horse **** I know) and also one in Northern Ireland. So I will have to make do with a boring cheque which I will copy and frame I think.

The Culture - As you know I don't go on holiday very often but recently had a few days in London which were really nice staying at The YMCA(joking of course). The highlight was going to see La Clique at the Hippodrome Theatre at Leicester Square. The Hippodrome has been around for many years and is a little different, described as a theatre performance space, looks a little bit seedy at the front, and has a history which includes being one of Peter Stringfellows clubs for some years. Originally it was a theatre, circus and water spectacles space thanks to a 100,000 gallon water tank which is still under the floor. You can see that in the way the seats look down on the area in a complete circle. Now it's back to live performances and I suppose is a little bit "hip".

La Clique is a mixture of circus and burlesque and is a little bit daring and sexy. So it isn't an alternative to Mama Mia.ok ! It has recently been voted Olivier Awards Best Entertainment 2009. If you are in London you should go to see it. If you like Mama Mia probably don't go to see it. The show consists of a number of different performers and in the interest of giving you a taste(is that the right word I wonder) I have a video clip below showing Ursula, one the acts, for you to look at and think "Is this my sort of thing?" Just click on the play icon and sit back. Just a couple of tips however - you must be over 21 to look at this(I don't want to get in trouble) and don't ask this woman for a tissue or a handkerchief. Enjoy.

The Snow Edition

2009-02-06T13:27:00.022Z

Since my last posting I guess the big news in the UK has been the snow. Enough has been said in the many hours of news dedicated to this and how this country became the laughing stock of the world. A bit of snow and everything stopped - no buses running in London, the first time for 100 years. Say no more. The american news channels had their own blog where lots of americans could comment on how funny it was and how they had 10 feet of snow in Minnesota, were locked in for 3 months watching TV, eating burgers and getting very fat. Log in and post your own comment - I did but I couldn't repeat it here. However the other side to it is how great it looks in some places - see the photo of St James Park looking great. Somehow I think probably not as good in Minnesota.

So I thought I would dedicate this posting to other things "snow" related.

Valentines day - First of all we are close to "Valentines" day. Millions will be spent on naff cards and messages. Personally I like something a bit different -

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

But on the snow theme there is a much better option. You can adopt the Snow Leopard for Valentines day. See web site www.careforthewild.com . The Snow Leopard is an endangered species found in Asia and China and a magnificent looking animal. Unfortunately its numbers are dwindling mainly due to hunting for its pelt and its use in traditional medicines apparently. In Afghanistan the numnbers are down to 100-200 because of greater demand from military and aid workers based in the region. So it was just a thought. There are a number of sites who do this but some look like they've found a way to make some money whereas the one above is ok. I've named the leopard in the picture Arthur in memory of the cat used in the cat food adverts a few years back. Everyone thought it was cute how it would get food out of the tin with its paws until they found out they have removed its claws to enable it to do that.

Snow White - Snow is of course another name used for Cocaine. Many years ago when cartoons first became popular there was a cartoon called Betty Boop - considered at the time as very risque and daring. The main character being sexy and a bit tarty. At that time they did a Betty Boop version of Snow White which was a bit different. Betty arriving at the evil witches house in a skimpy dress . Betty in the dress, evil witch - "who is the fairest of them all?" - no contest. However in this version there was no dodgy Apple to eat, Betty's Snow White died of a cocaine drug overdose. And we think some of the stuff today is a bit dodgy. So the term snow for cocaine became familiar to a wider audience. So careful when you tell people you love snow.

Scientology - Scientology and snow ? The first american software company I did work with was called Snow Software based in Clearwater , Florida. I always assumed it was named after the founder but maybe he was a Betty Boop fan in hindsight. He was a wierd guy! Totally hairless( well I mean the areas you could see, we didn't get that friendly). I'd never really heard of Scientology, just seen the shops around. On my first visit there I discovered Clearwater is one of the centres of the scientology cult. All the staff were scientologists - nobody drank alcohol. I thought what will I do for a week? Will I be brain washed by the time I leave. What a group of sad ********! The highlight was a visit to the founders house where I met his wife, 5 kids, and about 20 cats. He proudly sat there and said he had delivered all the kids himself as he didn't trust hospitals methods for birth, you know with doctors and nurses and all that stuff. I didn't dare ask about the cats. He also proudly told me that all the staff went on holiday together on the scientology church cabin cruiser each year. I bet that was a great week - what do you think?

Squirrel update - some people have been making fun of my squirrel articles. I don't know why! Now I've found there is another one! A white squirrel - albino, very rare like rocking horse stuff. Are there any more out there? A white squirrel festival in the USA. I clicked on the link and came across, well see the photo below - only in America! Meanwhile to the right is a real one and a Daily Mail headline. Look at the photo on the right. It could be true!

Squirrels , nightmares and breakfast

2009-01-21T21:14:00.019Z

Previously I have told how some people suggested one of my earlier blogs sounded a bit bored and bitter! I don't think so but I listened anyway and produced a gentler version the next time. Once again someone has commented on my language in my blog about the farting gorillas of Chessington( sorry there I go again). Clearly my readers are sensitive types so this week I've returned to gentler issues including an interesting update on the squirrel. Yes I know fascinating isn't it?

(1) Previously I have commented on reports that the Red Squirrel was making a comeback in parts of the UK after being nearly wiped out by the pox ridden Grey Squirrel. A more aggressive common squirrel who now ruled the squirrel world . Some misinformed people think they are cute. They're not. They're poxy aggressive animals! Well just to illustrate how you should not get too cocky it now appears that in parts of England these greys are getting kicked out by the Black Squirrel! In Herts and Cambridgeshire particularly around Da Letchworth Massif the Black Squirrel rules OK? This version isn't as poxy but is even more aggressive and testosterone fuelled than the now weedy grey. Apparently it will mate with anything that moves(as long as it is cute of course) and has no concept of monogomy. Tests have shown it has exactly the same genes as a North American squirrel(you know the ones which show half your a**e). This proves the original must have been been brought over from the US, escaped or been let loose, and immediately starting mating with anything with a bushy tale and a nut in its mouth. So once again it's the americans fault! The Greys were originally introduced by the Victorians purposely but how did the original black get here? Only someone in Letchworth knows this and it is as big a mystery as why you want to live in Letchworth! This is so interesting the Dr Alan Thomas at Anglia Ruskin University(sorry which University?) has applied for a grant to enable him to investigate this at length and buy a new Mercedes. Isn't there something more useful this bloke can do for his money provided from the public purse?

(2) Women have more nightmares than men!

Once again fascinating information supplied by the Daily Telegraph and academia. A researcher from The University of West England ( the what University? Has anyone heard of it?) has said women have more nightmares than men apparently and "of deeper emotional intensity". Wow women are more emotional than men are they? You don't really need a study at a University to know that now do you - just walk the street or go to a movie with a woman, or run over a dog! The testing was done on students from the University and more women reported having nightmares than men. Really! Mind you the men were all so drunk they couldn't differentiate between nightmares and what they had done the night before. The researcher said her own recurring nightmare was sitting on a beach at Weston Super Mare(which is a bad one I agree) and Dinosaurs walking the streets. I think she must have been in Rochdale or Southend. Either way she should give up the drugs. In addition men's and women's definition of what is a nightmare are completely different. Some women would say not being able to find the colour shoes she wanted was a nightmare and some men would say spending 2 hours looking for them together was a nightmare. Not me of course.People exaggerate and the use of the term "nightmare" like "genius" is overused.

3) Nothing is more English still than the traditional English breakfast."A full English" as so often seen in bars in Spain, Portugal, Majorca and other holiday destinations. A mixture of proteins and starches (and fat), heaped together on a plate – substantial. You start with the backbone of bacon and eggs, but often it goes totally over the top! Yes the beans and the sausage the toast and hash browns! Fry it up and pile it on! You need to dig up a road to burn it off.

But maybe the Spanish are sick of seeing this on the menu so I came across this Spanish chef who has put forward an alternative version. Do you think it will catch on? Here is the cheeky spaniard's version!
"I threw together this version. I had some leftover fabada (a Spanish bean stew) with I used for the beans element. Since my fabada had bacon slab, chorizo, and morcilla, I figured that covered the bacon, sausage, and black pudding. Instead of hash browns I used leftover roast potatoes (from a roast chicken dish) which I refried in olive oil with shallots, red pepper, and olives to stay within the Spanish theme. I then fried an egg in some chorizo oil**, smooshed everything onto a plate with a small baguette, and dove right in! This type of breakfast is an excellent way to use leftovers, like I’ve done here with the beans and potatoes. It is also the type of breakfast that works great if you are in need of major fortification. Or cheering up. Or if it’s a Sunday and you want to be lazy and piggy. And it does wonders for a hangover."

It will be available in cafes soon as "a full spanish" probably.

4) Finally for those of you who missed the swearing in of the new president of the USA please click on the video below. It's ok it is my pleasure to help

OBAMA SWEARS IN...FAITHFULLY - watch more funny videos

UK goes soft and "precious"

2009-01-09T15:50:00.009Z

Is it just me thinks this country has gone too soft and precious for it's own good. A number of news items and developments make me cringe at how weedy, precious and pretentious many have become in today's UK. So below are a number of examples which caught my eye

(1) At the totally badly named Chessington World of Adventure in Surrey sprouts are the favourite delicacy of the Gorillas there. Unfortunately they were taken off the menu after complaints from "the public" that the flatulence was overpowering. I don't think Surrey's finest would be much good on an adventure involving animals from the wild if they are traumatised by a farting Gorilla. Years ago at Chester Zoo the Orangatangs used to throw **** at the public gawping at them. It was great fun unless you were hit by some of course! And if you got too near the elephants it was like being in a car wash only there was no body wax. At Chessington the elephants are getting no water in case they piss on little Rupert. Now I may be wrong but I think humans like sprouts, particulary at Xmas, too. Even in Surrey! Unless everyone in Surrey can get special genetically modified sprouts with zero fartability I can't help but think many a dinner party in Guildford must have experienced the aroma of more than roast chestnuts. Get real please.!

(2)At the gym I sometimes use I arrived for some post Xmas detox to be told that a new rule had been introduced saying everybody had to wear a bathing cap in the pool. You must be joking I thought and asked why. Apparently some of the "lady" members had complained of swimming into hair floating on top of the water. It is a gym! Not a manicure lounge. People swim in there, not pose. Physical exercise results in many things coming out of the body. Trust me. The chemicals in the water kill off most germs. Do we need to wear them in a jacuzzi because believe me some people behave like Gorillas after a sprout binge in there. Especially in Surrey when they have been going red in the face holding it in at the dinner party. Oh yes! Where once the pool was an image of people swimming with abandon now it will look like the synchronised swimming of sperm. No way. Time for people to speak up. I already have about 6 rebels lined up. To follow this line of thinking we will need nappies to protect our "lower regions" as you will find more than a few hairs(although there may be a different type) on an exercise ball when you sit on it after someone elses vigorous session. Trust me! People swim in rivers, streams, the sea, lakes - you name it. A few hairs? Get over yourself.

3) Office girls in the restaurant - you are not a little princess just because your dad said your are. What would he know about princesses? Nor are you in Los Angeles and you are not a celebrity. Stop making so much noise and acting like pretentious children demanding service and making a fuss or instead of being a princess you will be a slapper. Be yourself and have a little humility. You are ordinary. It's ok.

If you need to live in a totally sanitised environment you should be in sheltered accommodation. If you think you are a princess you need a) a personality b) Help

Happy New Year

What Selfridges and more can do to you!

2008-11-30T18:46:00.007Z

Choose Life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television, choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players and electrical tin openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol, and dental insurance. Choose fixed interest mortage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends. Choose leisurewear and matching luggage. Choose a three-piece suite on hire purchase in a range of fucking fabrics. Choose DIY and wondering who the ......... and so on
Choose your future.Choose life.
With thanks to John Hodge, Renton and Train Spotting fans everywhere

I was referred to this recently by one of my family who described an email I had sent when a little bit excited in these terms "Wow. Like the speech at the end of Train Spotting" Not quite as I am not cynical nor a recovering heroin addict. I was just a bit agitated! However it was a great film.But sometimes you can't help but think .........

We are now into the season of good will to all men. A time to celebrate and share with friends and strangers alike. Nowhere was this more evident than at Selfridges in London. Er, hang on , I don't think they are on board yet. Nor are some of the people out there I think. This week, not even out of November, Selfridges sacked its Father Christmas. His crime? He asked what he described as an older lady although apparently in her 50s or so, if she would like to sit on his knee, while on duty in his chair in the grotto. This woman clearly devoid of the traditional english sense of humour or xmas spirit complained to Selfridges management who immediately fired him. Apparently the conversation went like this -

Santa - would you like to sit on my knee?
Miserable woman - would you like the sack?
Santa - I've already got one full of presents
Miserable woman - it must be big then
Santa - sit on my knee and you'll find out

Just in case you hadn't realised I made these up! But maybe something like that might have been offensive to some precious home counties neurotic. But a simple "Would you like to sit on my knee?" instead of raising a smile lead to the poor white bearded fat guy being thrown out. What is happening to our humour?

We need to go into Selfridges and confuse them with constant double entendre or suggestive questions:-

I've come in here to pull a cracker? Are you ladies available?
Blimey , look at those puddings? I'd love a mouth full of them ...
I think I'll carry my tangerines in my underpants like that poster of David Beckham. Can you help me fill them up?
You get the idea.......................

Or maybe just boycott Selfridges.

A softer side - The Red Squirrel Returns

2008-11-11T11:11:00.004Z

Some people have commented that my previous blogs were too serious or even made me sound a little bitter! Most of these comments came from members of my family who clearly are worrying I am becoming too mature. One nice stranger did say , in capital letters, that he agreed with every word and told me to keep it up. I visited his blog and became a little worried by his rich use of the F word and others things I couldn't mention on a blog like this. So this week I thought I would cover something concerning nature or something wholesome maybe.

The idea came to me as I looked out of my window at home into the garden to see about 6 grey squirrels causing chaos - digging up bulbs, doing gymnastics on the wall and trees, staring into the kitchen through the patio door as if to say "come on if you think you're hard enough" and so on. The 'Bullies of the squirrel world." Recently I had just chanced upon a report discussing the return of the Red Squirrel in some areas of the UK. The grey and red don't mix of course - sort of from the other side of the tracks. The red has been almost wiped out in Britain apart from some areas like Anglesay and Northumberland. The Grey is bigger, more aggressive and destructive eating bulbs and the like and known to eat small birds also. More importantly it carries a virus which is deadly to the red - some form of Squirrel Pox I believe. - bigger, more aggressive and full of pox. What's cute about that? Sort of like a south London housing estate gang. I've now started giving them names - Wayne, Vicki Pollard, Karl and so on. It reminded when my kids were young taking them to a very nice local park, full of squirrels and called by the local conservationist types " The Squirrel Park". How soft and cuddly and original name was that?(sorry I'm slipping into my usual self.) I sat on a bench when a grey squirrel jumped onto my neck - the kids screamed and were scarred for life. I'm sure I heard it say "Give us the bread you muppet".

So I have to admit I'm happy to hear the Red is making a comeback in some areas which are being cleared of grey leaving the altogether nicer red to flourish. More birdsong, less environmental damage, a much better and well behaved sort of middle class squirrel. Which make it difficult seeing these hooligan poxy greys around my house. I wanted to do a clearance project of my own but it is not a popular idea - you know some home made traps, food from the fridge 3 years past it's sell by date, poison - so I've backed off for now but every time I see one looking into the house I think "Your days are numbered you poxy ...."

The most irritating time of the year

2008-11-03T13:19:00.003Z

Early November/ late October is the most annoying time of the year. Obviously it signifies a change of seasons after October but I don't mind that. You adjust to the seasons as long as you don't do the English thing of going on about it all the time.

No the reason I find it annoying is because it contains 2 of the annoying days of the year -

(1) Halloween - as far as I am concerned this is still a relatively new day which serves no purpose. Much of the "trick or treat" stuff is an import from the USA where many of them have got nothing else to do in late October, in Iowa for example. What is its point other than to encourage kids to believe if they put a bit of crap on their face and pester people they will end up getting presents and stuff off people. Some are so organised I'm sure they are run by Fagin. Most of them can't do any tricks other than to put their hands out. No wonder kids are so materialistic. This is where Alan Sugar recruits his staff from, not those losers on his television show. My suggestion is to change the name to "Extortion night" to differentiate us from the US. One year I politely told a large group Oliver Twists that sorry I was busy enoying myself, that they were disturbing that and that wiping your nose on a sleeve was not a trick. My reward for this? 10 minutes later 2 eggs splattered on my window. If I'd had my trousers on I would have chased them and showed them a trick involving a hand and an ear and it wouldn't have been a treat. It's begging for kids - stop it now. A bar of chocolate won't do any more - they want an ipod.

(2) Bonfire night - the amount of security around in this country is frightening. The number of surveillance cameras is a disgrace for a country like England. Big brother is not a television show - it is England today. Why are people so passive about it? The reason we are told is security because we have a threat from terrorists. And yet for one day anyone can start fires going, make a huge amount of noise, set off fireworks once called mortars and cover up any terrorist act. And the most annoying thing is how it has now become not 1 night but at least 3 - the night, the Saturday before, the Saturday after. The amount of **** sent into the atmosphere is also huge. What about the environment, global warming and all that. Be responsible.It's had its day - end it.

As someone who has had 3 kids and had many of the most boring nights of my life at the annual firework show where you are polite with lots of people you don't know I have done my bit. But it is time to move on and make November a more lovable month.

..........

2008-10-28T18:25:00.004Z

The most important news any visitor to Britain would see would appear to be:-

(1) Jonathon Ross and Russell Brand's childish joke on the radio leaving silly messages on the answer phone of actor Andrew Sachs or Manuel as he will always be known to a certain generation, claiming Russell Brand had ****** his granddaughter or something. Everyone knows Ross is a pillock and Brand is just not funny - he looks like a child molestor to me. Yet 32,000 yes 32,000, people had so little in their lives they rang in to complain.

(2) A cricketer's pregnant wife was seen sitting on the knee of the bllionaire throwing money at them to play in some exhibition game for his own fun. The uproar was ridiculous. I guess he must have forced her. I guess she must not be a grown up with a mind of her own, she must be retarded, she musn't be accepting his hospitality in the carribean in late October while her husband prostitutes the game for the chase for lots of money. Dignity has gone out of the window and Stanford must be having the biggest ego trip of his life.

Meanwhile in the world ................................ A global financial crisis, teenagers getting stabbed in Liverpool, speed cameras breeding like rabbits, tory ministers chasing money on yachts, british soldiers wasting their time in Afghanistan. Mobilise the 10,000 to do something worthwhile and who knows what could be achieved.

You couldn't make it up ........................